THE STORY BEHIND THE SATIRE · Littleton, Colorado · Sep 28, 2026

Nearly 100-pound tortoise stages the world’s slowest escape

What happened

The Jefferson County Sheriff's Office released video on September 28 from an August 31 animal-control call involving Lard, a nearly 100-pound sulcata tortoise. Lard had escaped a fenced yard in Littleton, and his owner could not persuade him to return. An animal-control officer and a bystander lifted the uninjured tortoise and carried him home.

Why it matters

The report is funny because the escapee was slow and extremely difficult to move, but it also illustrates the long-term scale of keeping a sulcata tortoise. These animals can become very large, require secure enclosures and should be handled with appropriate help rather than dragged or improvised as luggage. The publication date and incident date are different, so both are stated.

The Blappos angle

Verified facts end above. The Blappos interpretation: top speed was eventually, but the getaway vehicle required two adults and a negotiated surrender. The magnet uses an invented tortoise and anonymous gloved hands—not the animal-control video, a private home or the pet's photographic likeness.

Read the September 28 UPI report ↗

Blappos is commentary. Artwork is illustration—not documentary photography—and the joke is not a substitute for the linked reporting. Check this story’s source ledger or read our sourcing, satire and corrections standard.